starting over...again.

I started a way of life that consisted of no dairy, no sugar and no coffee.  I maintained it for 9 months...then I met a great guy, started eating out, enjoying coffee on leisurely Saturday mornings and before I knew it, had gained 30 pounds.  Now, he HATES when I say it is his fault...I am pretty sure he wasn't force feeding me french fries and ice cream the past 18 months.

Let's see what the common causes of weight gain are:

• stress
• new job
• stress
• kids
• stress
• new relationship
• stress
• not working out
• stress

You get the point.  NO more excuses.  I am on day 2 of an emotional and physical cleanse - detoxing the bad (no coffee day 2, no sugar, no dairy). I want to be free or emotional eating and damaging my body with food.

I wake up everyday and put on gym clothes - I would love to go back to the gym eventually!

I would like to sign up for some classes too.  Any recommendations? Yoga, kickboxing and weight lifting are on my list.  I restarted blogging today to hold myself accountable and to recount how I am feeling so I can look forward to reading and understanding more about how I am feeling and when I am feeling it - those emotional triggers.  Looking forward to learning more.

October is here! I have been enjoying the cooler temperatures and the fall colors all around! I am so happy to be alive and healthy. My two amazing children are so good to me and we are enjoying the new school year in our new home.

October is also Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I have walked 60 miles, raised thousands of dollars for research, volunteered my time and now I have the world’s best friend battling it.  I am broken hearted that she is 1400+ miles away fighting a battle that I can’t beat for her.  I have reached out to a few close friends about my feelings of helplessness and wanting to do something more.  I have been praying for God to give me the sign to do something...what do I do? How do I do it?

Earlier this week, I received an email from a client.  She had this to say about her photographic experience with me:

"You really have a way of capturing moments. I love looking through your photos because when I think about how moments with my family feel, they are beautiful...but then when I take pictures I often just cannot seem to capture things the ways I remember them. I think that is your gift...you capture moments the way they feel to the people in them...that is why we all cry when we see them!”


And so, I have a gift...and I want to share it...with everyone, everyday.  How that translates into Breast Cancer Awareness month is up to you and who you share this post with.  If I can capture moments the way people feel in them...I want to capture moments of life with the people we love that are living with, surviving from or battling with cancer.

My still very best friend in the
whole world. 

I kept asking friends and praying for God to give me the words to ask for your trust, for your faces and families and your stories to share.  All I have are these:

I want you to exist in photos with the people you love.  I want you and your families to show us the way to live with or survive the battle.  We can beat this.  We can exist in photographs.  We can capture moments and remember how we felt and we can look back and be thankful that we showed everyone what being brave in the face of cancer is all about.

If you or someone you know is battling cancer, please ask them to contact me for a complimentary individual or family session. I will come to you and spend time with you and your family, creating memories and moments to last a lifetime in images that you and I will cherish forever.  

We do it for you girls!!! Our babies Feb 2014.

I have to remind myself everyday that my relationship with God is what is most important to focus on...then everything else shall and will fall into place the way it is intended.  Do you know how difficult that is for me? I struggle with it, I fail at it and I pray again to have a fresh start. I was reading the other day about how some people view Christians in challenging times....and wonder if we will fall from our trust in God, that our faith just isn't strong enough.  I agree that holding on to my faith and trusting in Him in times of adversity are what everyone needs to see in order to know that God is real. That He lives in us and walks with us all the time.  Good or bad.

For the past few days I have been reading more about forgiveness than ever before, it pops up EVERYWHERE.  My priest had given me a book about a year or so ago...forgiveness is the hardest thing to give for almost everyone.  Then this morning I read: "God’s great deliverance is like the rope that must be grabbed hold of with both hands in order to be pulled up and pulled out of that place you are in, and set in His perfect will for your life. "

I love the visual that provides...I can literally see the black hole, the well behind me as I reach up with both hands for the rope...being lifted into the light.  That's a good place to be. 

I am working towards that, I am working towards not walking around with a knot in my stomach all the time from the worry that sometimes envelopes me and makes me feel like I am drowning. Uhhhh, feels so good to let it go.  I write these epic long emails and you don't  receive replies and sometimes that makes me wonder...about too many things that I shouldn't wonder about or worry about or otherwise...this morning's devotional also said to release anyone from any debt or any expectation that you have...and I have to in order to be able to grab the rope with both hands.

~peace~

My best friends...

I am the luckiest person in the world to have a few very close and very wonderful friends.  Some from junior high, a couple from the college years and a couple from the past few years.  Each friend shares unique and special memories with me...keeps secrets for me, me for them.  I honestly do not know what I would do if I couldn't just pick up the phone and call one whenever I needed him or her...

Laura and I on top of the Marina Towers in Chicago...with Homan H.  I met him on ICQ and we flew up to meet him and spend the weekend.  I make new friends easily. Some stay for a lifetime.  The day after this photo was taken, I was rollerblading around the IBM building on State Street.   I stopped and layed on a cement bench...looking up at the architechture. Suddenly, a peach hit me in the back of the head.  Laura says, "of all the things that could have happened to us in Chicago...you get involved in a drive by fruiting!"  I love Laura.  We were fast to be best friends in junior high and I have looked out for her everyday since. We have some crazy stories...we have not lived in the same town since we were 23, stayed best friends forever and will be that way till the day we die.  She is my human diary, my other half...the one friend I can always expect to set me straight...no matter what.  I love you Laura.

 I think this was taken with a polaroid camera...oh geez.  On our way out to the rodeo...Elyse and I have been friends since before my 21st birthday...I know this because she and all the girls I worked with at Chevy took me to Tony Roma's and ordered me drinks for lunch. Oh to be 21 again!

 My 23rd Birthday...celebrated in Pines, in a hot tub with all my closest friends.  We were only friends in the same town a short time...I did get to visit you, Jennifer in Soho at Lucky Strike AND we had some really great times living it up in South Beach.  Remember dancing on those wooden spools all night?!

 What is the word for girls if we have a "bro-mance"?  I love you Laura...this was on the monorail at Disney, probably like 87? I remember this trip specifically because juice boxes just came out...and I was thirsty and the only one we had in the car was warm.  You told me to hold it up to the air conditioner, so I did.  You couldn't stop laughing because you couldn't believe I would think that would work!

Toni and I at Estes Park in Colorado in 1984.  We had spent the week at church camp in Laramie, WY. I won't divulge what we were up to that week...just know for sure...we had a really good time. Toni and I met in church, went to lots of church camps and never stopped being BFFs. I see her every trip home to Florida. She calls my mom, "mom" even though my mom wouldn't let us be friends in 7th grade.  I love Toni for her infinite wisdom when it comes to living life.  She does it well. She is always honest, loving and would give anyone the shirt off her back.  She has never expected anything in return from any of us.  My daughter refers to Toni as her "best friend"...what more could I ask for in a BFF?

Melissa and I got this wild idea (ok 100% mine) to quit our jobs and drive to Tennessee and Ohio to see Def Leppard in concert. I loved Def Leppard, never seen Tennessee and Missy was from Ohio.  We were gone a week, met  Def Leppard, Europe and had the time of our lives.  We lived in a one bedroom apartment near the beach in Hollywood, Florida.  What a great time in our lives.  Missy left for Ohio after I moved to Orlando.  She and I could pick up the phone right now and pick up where we left off. 

 Girls night out in Orlando.  The one in white has been my friend since we met in 8th grade at the bus stop. She has always accepted me for me and never done anything but guide me in finding my way. I have always looked up to her and found her to be a source of strength and love.  Her parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.  Her dad was a pastry chef and made us this HUGE like 50lb chocolate cookie dough one year so we could make gingerbread houses.  We swam lakes together, learned how to drive and did chinese fire drills on the way to the beach each weekend.   I don't ever get to talk to you enough...there are not enough hours in my trips to Florida to spend with you!  I love you Yvette. 

 I met Meg in New Hampshire.  She was a gift from God to me...to teach me patience, love, kindness and humility.  She is a mom of 4, Mema to 4 and loved by so many people.  I will never forget the day I found out you were in the hospital for an emergency surgery.  It made me realize how special you are and how lucky I am to have you as the NH Auntie to my beautiful children.  I love you Meg!

This note! I love this note because one of my dearest friends of 20+ years always takes time out of her day for others. Her husband, kids, someone else's kids or just me.  She is kind, sensitive and the complete opposite of me. She shares my son's birthday and the Aries sign with me.  She had to have a "talking" with me once.  She has been one of my best friends since. I love you so much Kelli. I wish we could see each other everyday. You have taught me so much about love, family and kindness. 

This list is a short list..there are more, I could write all night. I just wanted to be sure that no matter where I am ....you guys know you are always in my heart.  Always.

Sometimes you have to just let it all go...get it out...on "paper".  I "kind of" want you to read this, but mostly it is for me. At the risk of sounding narcisstic, it is MY blog. I can write what I like.  You can choose to read it, comment, defriend me, go to the next blog...all up to you.   For now, I will write. About me.

Here is my wordle.

I was told that if I start talking about God to my friends...I would lose friends. That sounds so absurd, if  I cannot talk to you about God, well, are you my friend? Would you be so offended that you turned away from me?  Then I thought...hmm, I will call my 4 friends and talk about God and see what they say.  Guess what?  Yes, they are all still my friends.   In fact, they said..."its about time...I am sick of hearing about your life of sin...glad you found your way back!" Okay, not really...they did agree however, that following God is the right choice, the only choice and affirmed why we are and have been friends forever.  Forever. 

Ever had so many questions that you couldn't fall asleep? I feel like that now...I asked someone I have known 33 years,  "seriously...do you ALWAYS put God first? Is that the #1 relationship in your life?"  "Yes, God, my husband, then my children."  How does one do that?  Where did that come from? How did she know to do that?

Commitment...making it to all the scheduled appointments on my calendar.  Making sure my kids get to school on time...making sure my life is about being committed to sharing the good things God has done for me and the people I love.   How do you stay committed to something? A diet, a change, a relationship? I always think some commitments take a special kind of person. Am I that special person?

Vulnerable...defined below.  How does one become vulnerable without appearing weak? Maybe we are weak, maybe being vulnerable makes us stronger.  It leaves me puzzled. 

vul·ner·a·ble

[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl] Show IPA adjective

1.  capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2.  open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

Faith...Having enough of it to get me through the day and have a little leftover for my children.  Faith? Faith is believing that there is someone with me along for the ride who enjoys a little bit of a rollercoaster now and again...and has an amazing sense of humor.  Is faith tangible? Is it only a belief? I feel like I have had it, lost it, gotten it back again and wish for my closest friends to find theirs again.

When I graduated from college as a teacher, I wanted to save the world.  I was committed to it...I was open (and vulnerable) to the possibility of making it happen...I had faith. 

As a mom, I am committed to being the best person I can for my children. To love them, guide them as they find their place in this world...THEY are vulnerable, I am vulnerable when I think of them...I have faith they will grow to be strong, good people.  I have faith.

As a woman, I am vulnerable, but I am not weak.  I am committed to keeping my faith alive...in my heart, sharing it with my children, talking about it with my friends.  I have faith.

~peace~

 

I believe that kissing is the best calorie burner...

....so says Audrey Hepburn.  And that pink is her favorite color....goes something like this:


'I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.' 

Oh, love this song from one of my favorite all time movies..."Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Moon River


~Peace~

Attreversiamo ~ Let's Cross over

Attreversiamo ~ Let's Cross over

I only have about 20 minutes to write something worth reading...or writing about, so let's see how this goes!

I am in love with my life right now.  It is the greatest time I could ever imagine having.  I have beautiful and healthy children, amazing friends (the list is growing) and my client base is growing as well!  It is a very exciting time...

Yet, I still feel as if there is so much more to do, to uncover, to be challenged by.  (Can I end a sentence in by?) I fell asleep last night watching a Kurt Warner's new show, "The Moment"...where he had the opportunity to offer a mom a second chance at becoming a professional photographer.  I dreamt of Nikon D4s and learning how to use them all night! I woke up this morning to "Eat, Pray, Love" and now feel like I have been delivered a new message.

Forgive.  Forgive myself, because the ones I am looking for forgiveness from...they may never give it.

Believe. Believe in me.  Believe in love.   Believe.

Trust.  Trust that I am enough.  Trust that this life is enough.  Trust.

Tonight I will sit in the audience of the community theater's "Peter Pan".  I will be surrounded by moms, dads, kids, teachers, sisters, brothers who worked so hard to see this project come to life. I feel blessed, enthusiastic and excited for all of us!

My babes are excited too! My son told me last night he loved being on stage and cannot wait to do it again!

Thankful!

~Bonnie

 

I thought that my whole life...

"I think there are cells in your lip that will grow back, I thought that my whole life..." says my five year old son tonight. 

You know what I thought my whole life?  I thought that if I could dream it, I could do it. I thought that if I reached for the stars and missed, I would land amongst the clouds...

And now, with this 1st day of August upon me, I realize that what I thought all along is true.  If I work hard and be kind, people will appreciate it, and they do. If I do good, good will come to me... and it has.  Time and time again.

The love of my family, my friends, my children surrounds me and fills me with joy each and every day of my life.  Sounds cliche, but then why shouldn't it? Cliches are not hard to come by...good people are.

Summer seems to last such a short time in New Hampshire.  Lazy days filled with sun and fresh air, laughter, love and not a care in the world.  Be grateful, love with all your heart and believe that what you thought all along, well...it just might be true.

~Peace

In just a blink of an eye....

Yes, I know...I can see it too. The forest through the trees..the light at the end of the tunnel...the sun guiding my way to the end of another amazing day.  


Summer is a coming! I fully expect to embrace each day with my eyes wide open and my heart full of excitement as each warm day fills my 365 of ’12.  


Peace. Take time to reflect.


~Bonnie

Challenging, but worth it?

I made a friend.  His name is Steve. Some of you know of him, some of you don't. He is a retired Army veteran, fought in a couple wars, been around the block a time or two...single dad raising two amazing teenagers.  He has become my best friend.

He dragged me up and down a sloping, steep, rocky mountain side up to the tops of Georgianna Falls on Sunday.  Well, he said he dragged me...I agreed to it.  I admit it, I was scared...a little whiny, questioning why the hell people hike...what did I get myself into, how am I gonna make it down???  All the while, Steve trudged on with me in tow...helping me out across the rocks, talking me over the squishy slippery steps over the river two times and dragging me through the forest.  He even did this army sign language thing (he probably learned it in combat) when I couldn't hear him over the deafening thrashing sound of falling water.  It totally cracked me up!

The best part of it all was in the knowing of what a special and unique place these falls are to Steve.  He visited them as a child...memories of the water and rocks and trees all too vivid and fresh and ready to be shared with me: the stranger in this forest.

After we visited the top, Steve left me sitting alone on a flat rock listening to the water.  He gave me a pocket knife to fight off the forest boogie man..."probably end up stabbing myself in the foot more than anything else" I thought to myself.  He tip toed to the top along the slippery waterfall's edge, snapped a couple of shots of the pools at the top and snuck down behind me and started throwing stuff at me...just like my brother would have.

When we decided to finally leave, he made me climb higher to a flatter, less rocky terrain so I would feel safer...he did a great job getting me back to solid ground...I only yelped once, okay, maybe twice and fell on my butt once, really only once!  What an amazing day with an amazing friend. 

Life offers challenges... ask me, ask a combat vet, ask your best friend, ask yourself.  How we choose to handle them when in the depth of it all shows true character.  We already know that...should we wish to be dragged through the forest, pushing ourselves to climb higher, be stronger, breathe deeper, be more?  If you don't already know the answer to that question, maybe you need to give it a whirl and find out what you come up with.

~Peace

Ch...ch...changes all around

Soon after I wrote the following post, I realized that the photos I wanted to post are of organisms making changes...it occurred to me that no matter what changes are what makes the world go around. Check it out...

Yes, hard to imagine that it has been nearly 2 months since the last time I have had time, the need or the courage to write about what is going on. I have traveled, met old friends, made new friends and come back home. Seems my life is always a journey of some kind...

The changes that are taking place happen slowly...some slower than others. Reminders along the way to keep it real and remember why I am here are subtle at times, not so subtle at others. If I am lucky enough to know you personally, you are seeing it happen right before your eyes and I appreciate the feedback and love you share while I attempt to realign to my center.

Having fun right now keeping my head above water...seems the March to June months will be focused on more of my professional life and making my way towards securing my future, whatever that means! I love my craft, I wish I had more time and money for it....for now I will hold on to learning more about me, my craft, and whatever else it is that will continue to move me towards finding that center.

Till then...take time to reflect.

Feeling Trapped

No, not me. I am not feeling trapped, well not today anyway.

After picking up my daughter from a sleepover, I decided to take the long way home. Up and around the mountain, hoping for a couple of shots of the fog sitting on top of the trees. I got that, check it out.

What I did not know was there were two rather curious and quite friendly horses across the street who were interested in finding out why I was there.

Check it out, Horses in Winter.

Foggy, cold and wet was just the weather needed for building a fast relationship between us. Walking over to us, the white horse was careful to watch his steps, ready to find out why I was there...the brown horse was less trusting...almost knowing why he didn't want to get too close.

White's cataract covered blue eyes spoke a lifetime of stories to me. His white coat, covered in blue with buckles down the front was trapping the warmth of his body in, like his stories. I kept the blanket in the last photograph (probably my favorite of him). It seems to tell his story, maybe a little too familiar for me...

Sometimes

Sometimes words are not enough, ya need a little music too.

Gary Clark Jr. plays an amazing guitar....

It has to start somewhere...

...this morning it was a commitment to do something I LOVE everyday. Today's LOVE is a photograph with the sun in it. I have a few, you can see them all in my 2012 Winter album.

I am reading Maryanne Radmacher's "Live with Intention". What a great resource for reminding ourselves to stop the noise in our heads and going on all around us and attempt to remember what makes us glow. I love the idea of the glow brought on by taking photos in the sunlight.

I climbed over a snow bank in boots and yoga pants for a shot of the bench...it was cold! I chased the light this morning...the cold chased me back to my house for my snowshoes and gloves. Headed back out for the shot of the tree with the red, white and blue. Love it!

Today was a reminder to make time for friends (call Abbie), do something I love (light)and try something new (shot on A with f/25)!

It's almost like starting a diet...ha...it's gotta start somewhere!

~B

Crossing Over

In meiosis, crossing over is when the exchange of genetic material takes place. A little from each parent chromosome is given to the new offspring...creating an entire new set of genes...supporting the idea that life goes on.

Taking a chance on road conditions, I headed for North Conway and I crossed over the Kancamangus highway today. The road was slippery, but manageable. The trees white and their branches heavy from recent snowfall. I parked at one of my favorite overlooks that happened to be plowed enough to pull in...music too loud for company, camera in hand, I had a minute alone with my past life...the single, adventurous, not a care in the world life...and all of a sudden I was overcome with a combination of excitement, pride, joy.

I could feel my past life...(the one I created before I was married) looking at my life now...and I could actually feel as if that life, that single life was proud of the life that is in front of me. I have made mistakes, I will make more. I have loved, I have lost, I will love again...I have no regrets.

It is funny how this crossing over the Kanc parallels where I am today. At times the road to my destination is steep, seemingly unmanageable...but still, in all of it, I manage to find the power to realign to the center.

Happy Almost New Year!

I am sooo, sooo, sooo ready for 2012. I am totally looking forward to starting new projects, enjoying more of my creative side and participating in the transformation...

Butterflies morph, why can't I?

I am gonna fly, fly, fly!

I really wish I had started telling you about my current adventure sooner. I have been on the road with my dog and two children for nearly three weeks. I packed up in New Hampshire and began a month long journey along the east coast...NH to South Florida. The furthest we have gotten is Hialeah, Florida, my birthplace. While it felt like being in another country at times, it was incredible how much I things can change...and still remain the same. My love for the hispanic culture is unchanged, my memories remain a constant and I hope I instill the love of a multicultural society is passed on to my children.

A little bit about our trip: Our first day of travel was filled with about three hours of traffic in Philadelphia, Delaware and of course Maryland. We sat about 9 miles from our destination and it took more than an hour to get there! My kids were great as they were plugged into their new Nintendo DS from Amazon. My younger child is not yet reading, yet amazed me how well he can operate his handheld DS lite. The reading 1st grader found her DSi's photo and video options a feature she cannot live without!

We made our was to DC in about 14 hours. Luckily we had no real time frame to complete our travels in and ended up staying in DC with a friend for three nights. During the afternoon of our second day, we headed out to the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum. Check our photos in my gallery.

A couple of things I love about DC: Free stuff! Did you know all of the "National" museums are free? Parking might be an issue, so go early or go after lunch when the buses clear out and people are heading off to lunch. Bring some snacks in a cooler you can leave in the car and have a picnic on the mall under the trees. Even if it is hot, you can still beat the heat! Leave the cooler in the car? I know, but you will not be able to bring it inside the musuems with you due to security regulations.

That's all I have for now, I promise to share some photos of the second leg of our journey....soon!

Taking time to reflect

Seems there is not enough hours in my day to reflect on what I have done. Instead, I think I find myself worrying about all the stuff left undone! I took a little time to night to play with some shots from the past 5 or so months...it helps me remember that we are accomplishing a pretty well rounded life with a little bit of fun mixed in!

With the exception of the pottery shots, all were taken with my Nikon D90. Of course a few are cropped and tweaked a little bit, thanks to Picasa 3. I have not gotten around to purchase Lightroom, I am still using my free trials of all the Adobe picture software until I make a decision. So far, I like Lightroom 3 the best...easy to use and lots of online "how to" videos.

Enjoy the photos. Remember take time to reflect...

Teachers Looking for Jobs

It is in the news in nearly every state in America: Teachers not being given contracts for the new school year. Scary times when our districts have to cut positions and not ask our much needed teachers back fulltime for the following school year. I was lucky enough to be asked back each year in my former brick and mortar school district. I was also lucky enough to request a child rearing leave for the school year. When my year was up, I decided not to return full time. The high school never filled my position.

It just so happens that I was lucky, fortunate, and smart enough to think ahead. I created a vision board of sorts and believed that I would one day be a work from home mom where I actually earned a real income and no longer needed full time day care. I have managed to do just that with my current teaching gig. I am 100% a telecommuter, virtual, online high school Science teacher. Lucky me!

If you are interested in the virtual field of education, I highly recommend starting with the basics: How to Succeed as an Online Facilitator
I read this article back when I first considered teaching online, before the birth of my first child six years ago. It offers valuable insight when considering the change from brick and mortar to online.

Dealing with Today

Today ordinary day. Just like all the others, happens to stand in the middle of the week and well, quite frankly...gets in the way of me getting to my weekend.

Got my new Tokina Ultrawide Lens off of Amazon this past weekend. From what I understand, it will be my "prime" lens as it has one focal length: wide. I plan to explore its full potential this weekend when I am home in Florida. Funny, I cannot think of one thing to take photos of. Maybe I will hit the train station. Amazing place to people watch and listen...even smell. Hotdogs, trains and passengers...all with their own unique journey ahead of them.

My weekend is not a weekend of leisure. Endarterectomy. Say that three times fast. I have been doing just that as my father prepares for his second. It is a pretty crazy procedure performed on a clogged artery. It is dangerous, the prognosis is good and it saves lives. Just another reminder that a healthy diet, exercise and happy life are the prescription to prevent my own Endarterectomy.